A Blue State of Mind

"The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams." Oprah

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Location: The Western U.S, United States

I spent 48 years caring about what people thought of me. I'm not spending the rest of my life caring about that anymore!

Thursday, November 27, 2008



-still being able to smile after such a horrible year

-the comforts of a peaceful home

-my friends who make sure I'm okay

-my family because I need them more than they need me

-my foundation seems to be repairing (previous post)

-the freedom to pursue happiness and openly practice my religious beliefs

-the right to vote

-being able to sustain my electronic habit: Internet/laptop/iPod/Blackberry/PSP

-being an American where at least I know I'm free

-Lawrence (words cannot explain)

Monday, November 24, 2008

An Epiphany (or Paradigm Shifting)-A Really Long Rant

Remember when you were in grade school or junior high and you found out you were not one of the cool kids? Maybe I presume too much so I'll talk about me (my favourite hobby if you haven't noticed).

When I was in the 7th grade (we didn't have junior high in Phoenix back then) I found out that I was not one of the cool kids. I was painfully shy, very fat and a bookworm. When the other kids were hanging out during lunch I was usually in the library poring through book after book or convincing the librarian to allow me to check out more than the allotted two books per week per student.

I had always wanted to be one of those kids but they didn't like me for all the wrong reasons and like kids can be, they played on my differences. By accident however I discovered that I had something that I could use to leverage my coolness factor. One day one of the cool tough boys Myron asked me the answer to a quiz question and I gave it to him. That it was the correct answer and that only he and I had the correct answer, he decided to sit next to me during class and even started speaking to me in the halls and at lunch.

Pretty soon word spread that I was smart, or at least smarter than most of them. I'm being serious, don't judge me. Anyway, as word spread, more of the cool kids, following Myron's lead began allowing me to hang around. Boy did my life change! No longer relegated to the tether ball lineup for 6th graders I played with Beverly and Angie and Ventrice. I ate lunch with Evelyn and Jerry-Lynn outside rather than hiding out in the library. Sure I wasn't asked to play every reindeer game but at least I was invited to enough of them to permanently change my social status.

It wasn't long before I learned that my wisdom was power and I changed from wanting to be with them to being my own social club. Those kids wanted to hang with me because I could help with grades. Yes, I became a bit of an egotistical, self-absorbed teenager and these traits followed me throughout college and even work. But I discovered last week that that image of me had all changed.

There's this group of folks at work. They are the "cool kids" if you will. You'll always find them sitting together in meetings or walking over to Starbucks during lunch. Theirs is such an exclusive group that even I wanted to become a part of them. And I tried most everything to be noticed by them including volunteering to help them complete their projects even though I was overloaded myself. I'd call into one of them on my way to work to take Starbuck's orders or even make runs to the supermarket to replenish diminishing potluck foods.

So here's where I suddenly realized how stoopid I was being with these people: last week most of us happened to be in a meeting with visiting managers and instructors when one of the "cool kids" began passing invites to a post Thanksgiving brunch. Noticing that I hadn't received one (there were only about eight of us in the room, how obvious was this), he promised to email the invite. And he did.

It was this one sentence email that listed the date and time and name of the eatery. Nothing else.

At first I was relieved and really happy that he had remembered me but then, as I re-read and re-read the email I got hotter and hotter. I mean I was so angry I could have held an ice cube and melted it in two minutes. While standing in Siberia. During a blizzard. You get the picture right?

How dare they treat me like this? Who do they think they are? Who died and ordained them the future rulers of the world? Most importantly though, when did I start thinking they were all that and two grab sized bags of chips?

And then it all came tumbling back...all the times I asked them for help and received none. The many times they went out for food and didn't include me. Having to run after them while walking to meetings. Okay, maybe I wasn't that bad but still.

Now, returning back to my sweet, egotistical, self-absorbed little self, I'm blowing them off. Today alone I've ignored two of their emails asking for help and I'm not even thinking of showing up at that stoopid little brunch. The old Debo Blue is back and they can kiss my fat butt.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


I don't know about your week so far but mine has been busy and filled with meeting after meeting after meeting. It seems the company wants to fit as much into these next two weeks as possible before the Thanksgiving break. I haven't worked a regular 40 hour week job in about eight or nine years, so it's not the long hours that's bothering me. I'm used to that. I think what's bothering me more is my time away from my folks during one of our busiest seasons and with all the layoff scares and rumours running rampant.
Just this week I am scheduled for meetings that will have me away from my team and regular work for 20 hours. So when will I have time to complete regular work? After my meetings and at home this weekend of course. I know that this weekend I'll power up the laptop at home, wait for the error messages then call our tech team in India to get help troubleshooting why my card won't read. But I'm not complaining. I haven't had to bring much work home these last few months and really, this is nothing new. Besides, I really can't afford to put off some of this stuff 'til after Thanksgiving because it will impact December's numbers.

It's a few weeks from December and it's still very warm here. I read that the high today was 87 degrees! Who wants to think about Christmas when it's so hot? There's this one radio station that has already begun playing continuous Christmas music 24 hours a day. I refuse to listen to it while I'm still wearing sandals and tee shirts sipping iced tea or riding in an air conditioned car. I just want it to get cool and stay cool already! We had one cold front a couple of weeks ago but that ended as quickly as it started.

Adam "Pacman" Jones is back in the news. He is only important to me because he currently plays for the Dallas Cowboys and has done nothing but prove to everyone but Cowboys owner Jerry Jones how stoopid and crazy he really is. Get this, he had to sit out a WHOLE season because of trouble with the law. Then when Jones picked him up he was given paid bodyguards to do everything but flush and wipe him. So this clown gets drunk, has a fight with one of his free bodyguards and is fined by the NFL. If given the chance I don't know who I'd pimp slap first-- Jones for hiring this clown or Adam for being a clown and giving the haters at work more ammunition to fire at me at the sake of the Cowboys.

So anyway, all is well. Take care of yourselves.
PS-hey Keith, I heard about your generosity over at Jeni's so I got to thinking: since you're in this giving kind of mood, I've got a short list for you. Check it out and I'll pick it up anytime you're ready:+)

Monday, November 17, 2008

I'm in a Marian McPartland kind of mood this morning. Quiet, tension free. All keys being played slowly, melodiously.

I've just dried up from my morning shower, scanned my calendar for today's meetings and glancing over the headlines. Still more of the same: Citigroup's laying off an additional 53k folks, and I'm sure those people are not all top managers taking home huge bonuses for jobs well done-poorly.

Over at my company they've cleared all the layoffs for this year. It begins all over again next year, which is only two months away. Funny how they didn't say "In less than sixty days we begin anew." So, God's protected me again and I'm still standing.
Everything is so tense at work. Employees leaving for stress days or those too stressed to leave for fear they'll be considered liabilities and unable to hold up under stress. For my folks who've come to me I've just given the same message: these are changing times for companies everywhere, you have to make sure there's nothing wanting in your performance. If something comes up, you'll be the second to know."

It's a sobering experience to constantly be in this environment of stress and I have to remind myself how lucky I am that if and when I'm laid off I have a back up plan and the layoff will affect just me. I don't have dependent children to worry about, no mortgage or rent and my old jalopy will be paid off in February. So when my people come to me with their worries and frustrations, I worry about them too.

There are two women in my area who have had to change to full time schedules because their husbands were laid off and their homes in foreclosure. On top of all that, one of the ladies is pregnant so we don't know what her stress level will be from one hour to the next. We're trying to buffer her from customers as much as we can, but then she feels we'll consider her the weakest link and not tell us when she's feeling overwhelmed until she's a basket case in front of her peers, causing more stress to her surrounding co-workers.
And when I'm not calming my folks, I'm having to talk my peers off the ledge which is why I'm glad that I have good friends in my life to listen to my fears and frustrations and feed me too (shout out to BFF Pete!).

So, before I go into that craziness this Monday morning, I felt like hearing Marian. Slow and easy. Melodious and light. Tension free. Here's hoping your Monday and week is like this:-)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I Think Hell Is Beginning to Freeze

When you consider all the changes going on in our world, particularly US, it makes you wonder just what's going on?

New black president.

Finally falling gas prices. Although not $2.00 like in Southern states, I was still more than glad to pay $2.57 for gas last Sunday.

The Age of the Aged Quarterback. Brett Favre and Kurt Warner of the New York Jets and Arizona Cardinals respectively are leading their teams to incredible starts.

Oprah's fat again.

But of all the strange, weird and wonderful things going on, nothing can top my brother allowing me to drive his truck. Yes, you heard it hear first, my brother-a Black man-gave me the keys to his Infiniti E56 and let me drive it to that wedding I told you about a few posts back.

I couldn't believe it! The day started out as just another day except my nieces were here and we were fighting for bathroom space. My car was parked in driveway but two cars were behind me with my brother's truck being the last one out. While we were trying to organize everyone to get out to my car so that we wouldn't be late (maybe I should add that I was screaming and barking out orders) my niece discovered she couldn't locate the keys to her car, the car that was directly behind me.

My brother, being of sound mind and body casually handed me his keys and asked, "You wanna take my car Sis?"

Of course I thought he was just being cruel because he knew I was ready to go and becoming more aggravated while the twins looked for car keys. I think he could read my true feelings in my look. The look that said, "I will beat your a-- right now if you don't stop messing with me." And because he's been with me almost 34 years, knowing I'm a punctual person, knowing that I HATE waiting for people, knowing that everybody's gonna be in a bad mood in just a few minutes because I'm about to go all the way off, he said "Seriously Sis, take my truck."

So, I hefted my fat butt up in the seat after he had adjusted the seat and mirrors, turned on the guiding system (sorry, can' remember what that's called), and showed me how to work the stereo, gave one more call out to the twins and we were off.

I'm still amazed. Amazed.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008


I stand corrected. Thank you U.S. for proving me wrong.

And if I offended anyone, sincerely not my intent.

Anon, come back when you're brave enough to decloak and talk to me.

Monday, November 03, 2008


Tomorrow is the end of an historic (a historic) race for the presidency. I've read I don't know how many articles and opinions about the candidates and their running mates. I've watched countless hours of "Frontline", "Tavis Smiley" and I've listened to friends, family and co-workers on their selections and convictions and predictions. And I've been fairly quiet about the election here on my blog and in general. Today I'm sharing my opinion.

First, a bit of my history so that you can better understand my paradigm. I am the product of parents reared in the South during the 40's and 50's. My father wasn't allowed to legally vote until he was 42. My mother, born in Arkansas, was old enough to remember the Arkansas Eight so when she moved to Phoenix and found out she would attend an integrated high school, she feigned sickness for two days until her mother finally forced her to go.

My parents reared me in a strict, conservative, Christian home and they taught me that I should try to be everything I wanted to be. But. They also taught me not to expect anything given to me and they prepared me to fight for access to schools, jobs and any other pursuit of happiness (aligning w/Christian goals and beliefs of course) my heart wanted to undertake. Because I'm a Black woman in this land of milk and honey.

Politics, race and religion are always hot topics and they bring out the best and worst of us. I don't want my blog to be part of all that. I want someplace I can go without all that because it's constantly around me so why would I bring that here? I'm generally non-confrontational and reserved but I won't walk away from a fight. Even if I don't know all the sides of the fight, when I perceive personal attack to me or my loved ones, I'm known to become extremely aggressive and sometimes nasty.

With that said, I do not believe the U.S. voter who is likely to vote tomorrow will elect Barack Obama as the 44th President. I just don't believe our country is strong enough, insightful enough, or diverse enough to do that. I've heard every side of this race there is. I've seen that Obama's leading in every poll and that the media have all but reserved their place at the inauguration ceremonies in January. McCain's prepared to become the biggest comeback kid since Dewey but that's just his spin on his campaign. He'd rather be known as the "comeback kid" than "the white guy elected because the U.S. voter was too afraid to vote for the Black candidate."

We are in tumultuous times. We are besieged with rising health care costs, our children have the poorest educational scores in the world, more than 2.2 million people are unemployed and the number keeps rising. We've lost our homes and cars, we're overweight and sick with all kinds of diseases. Our banks and airlines are failing and the government is now printing worthless money to try and keep our economy afloat. What candidate in his or her right mind would want to try and tackle all this in four years?

So, Wednesday morning I'll get up, make my coffee and peanut butter toast and read the Internet about McCain's "comeback kid" win. Then I'll worry about my job, whether the Cowboys will be able to comeback after a bye week, and which grocery store has the better sales.

Am I wrong to be so critical, pessimistic and unbelieving? I don't think so. I've been wrong before, but I don't think I am this time. I've got a whole 200 years of American history to back me up.