I've Been Here Before

This happens every year about this time; news reports early Winter-like weather in the Northern plains of the U.S, two inches to a foot of unexpected snow is likely to fall setting records, weathermen & women warn little witches and goblins and super heroes to wrap up while roaming the streets looking for treats because snowfall is expected early Halloween night.

I read each of these stories and wistfully wish our were something more like our Northern States, especially when I'm sitting in my bedroom with a room fan blowing and hearing the heartwarming and periodical sound of the a/c kick on to prevent my home's temperature from exceeding 80 degrees inside.

I've been here before. I've been doing this for a very long time and know to expect this but why then I still growl and grumble about the heat? I really think it's because of a couple of things:

-I really love winter clothes. Last year when we went to Boise for the Christmas vacation I went wild spending money on scarves, gloves, sweater sets, socks, shoes...things I know I won't be able to wear in Phoenix anytime, unless I'm planning on spending an entire evening outside-in blowing wind during a winter storm.

-the idea of snuggling around a blazing fireplace, drinking hot chocolate laced with mint, eating sticky popcorn balls and watching old movies while snow falls prettily is the tip of romance (to me). I must confess that I have occasionally organized a gathering at a late-open Starbucks where we sat outside people watching and enjoying our favourite hot drinks. And there is the relief of knowing the roads won't be icy on our way home, but still!

So this afternoon we sat outside in 103 heat drinking our iced drinks and watching the kids play with their friends. We groused about the heat and lamented about living in the desert while I sat there on my porch barefoot, watering the bougainvillea and mesquite plants, covertly wetting my niece in the process.

The weatherman says we can expect lower temperatures this week, we are expected to be a low as 92 by next weekend but our friends up North can expect more snow and near freezing temps. I should be jealous but I'm not. I'm going to download some Christmas music to my iPod and change my screen saver to a fireplace and make some hot chocolate. Maybe I'll wait on the hot chocolate, it's too hot for all that!

Four Days

Last month I took two days off of work to catch up with personal things that needed attention. I decided to do the same thing this month because last month I was able to wrap up a lot of things. This time though, I took the four days off just to relax, veg a bit and catch up on reading.

I mentioned on Facebook that for four days I:

-was not a mindless, colourless drone or cog working for the large faceless capitalist corporation

-was not going to care about other people's problems, it's all about me

-was going to eat anything I wanted (within reason)

-would go where I wanted when I wanted

Today was my first of four days and it went pretty well I think. Well it could have gone better if I had not slept most of the day away. Really.

First off I stayed up to 4am last night catching up on news and healthcare reform. This caused me to sleep 'til 9a and because I was feeling lethargic I returned to my warm/cool bed and dozed for another hour. Finally at 10 I felt okay to get up and start my day.

My sister surprised me with a breakfast of jalepeno bagels and chive cream cheese and more internet reading ensued. Which is code for napping just so you know:-)

That nap lasted six hours and here I am: up and wondering what to do that won't disturb the other residents of the house. I've some ideas:

-syncing my iPhone and iPod

-blogging

-catching up the lastest issues of Vanity Fair and Economist

-folding clothes

-Twitter and FB

Tomorrow

When I was young, I couldn't wait for tomorrow. Back in those carefree days when my only responsibilities were studying for exams and wondering how to ask my parents for money for school supplies or Spring Break travels, I didn't worry too much about tomorrow. Tomorrow was coming and with it would come bonfires, college football games, all night study sessions, talking on the phone 'til one of us fell asleep.

After college I got my first real job. I had planned on staying at the entry level position for six months then moving on up the corporate ladder. After six months I saw the people going for the same few jobs and knew they would beat me at getting the jobs. They were taller, skinnier, knew the right people and had stronger skills than me. The fact that they were not Black, in my opinion, guaranteed their promotion.

Every six months I'd tell myself that it was time to find other jobs. By now I was as qualified as the other candidates, plus I had a degree, surely that would account for something right? Well, in my small little mind I still couldn't make the grade and so I'd put off being promoted for that other job, the one that would fall right in my lap.

Six months turned into two years, two years to five, five turned into seven at an entry-level position. By this time of course I had begun interviewing and finding mentors that could help but for whatever reason I was never promoted and for seven years I accepted it as my fate. If I could just be taller, thinner, straighter teeth, lighter skin THEN I could be promoted.

People liked me. I had a reputation for getting difficult jobs done within dates and correctly done. I was friendly but quiet, I was never in a clique but I understood the company's vision and business model and could communicate it at every level. The only thing I couldn't communicate was the message to my heart that I deserved better. My head told me that I was just as good -if not better than every other Leader or Manager on the floor- but the message that my heart heard was I was too fat, too black, too ugly to go for those positions Each of the pictures on the Leader wall showed young thin men and women with perfect teeth. None of them came close to resembling me, but the lower workforce at my level reflected me in their pictures.

So, seven years turned into ten, ten turned into twelve and I was promoted to a Leader at an entry level position. I worked hard to be a great leader, I have the scars to prove it. But it's been nine years and I want to do something else. I want to be promoted but I'm too scared to go for the jobs. The workforce has changed in twenty years. These new Leaders are younger, thinner and taller. Fresh out of college wearing their $200 messenger bags, swilling Starbucks or Monster and sharing intimate details of their dating lives in elevators.

Tonight I was sitting outside thinking of all the things I've wanted in life and didn't go after because I let fear paralyze me.

Tomorrow I'm going to sit down, take a piece a paper and in two columns I'm going to list the things I want right now. The other column will list everything that's stopping me from getting those things.

Tomorrow, 75,000 people who won't wake up. Their opportunities and chances of realizing their dreams will be over.

Tomorrow, if the Lord blesses, I will wake up and go through the same drudgery and routine I've gone through for the last seventeen or so years (some of those years have actually been pretty good) but tomorrow I'm going to put in some applications at my job into higher management level because one day, my tomorrow will not come.

In The Mood

Have you ever had one of those days when your emotions run the gamut from happiness and excitement down to nostalgic and sad then across to excitement and anticipation? That's what I've endured today.

Today began as an ordinary Sunday but rather than being excited about going to church (shhh), I was excited that regular football season started today AND the Cowboys' game would be televised in Phoenix! So off I go to church and I'm excited because the pastor is already up delivering her message and it's not even 10 o'clock! Then! Then I turn my iPhone to ESPN mobile and find out I can get play by play action! Shut up!

Now before you start tsk tsking me about watching the game in church, allow me to say I accidentally stumbled upon that ESPN site. I had read the Scriptures for today's sermon (Matthew 18:19) and just wanted to get a quick score update and bang! Play by play action. And Pastor's done and we're out of church by 10:45. This never happens! GOD LOVES ME!!

While I'm ordering lunch I get texted by my niece Michelle LeNair that her sister Anna's water broke and she's at hospital. This is bad news because the baby's not due for another two months. Her doctor wants to put her in hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy or at least in enough time for the baby's lungs to develop. The baby is a boy and Anna plans to name him Jeremiah.

Finally get home in time to watch the Dallas v Tampa Bay game. It's tense, back and forth in scoring drives but finally 'dem Boys break through, take the lead and stay there. I love 'dem Boys!!

I call and speak w/my aunt in Boise and she tells me she's leaving Boise for good. Her eldest son is coming this Friday to move her to Washington state. She's sure she won't be back to Boise to live because of her burgeoning health woes. She is our matriarch and we are all reeling from this change of events.

Tomorrow, although at the same company, I will begin reporting to a new Director. I will have ten persons reporting to me, about a third of them I've worked with before. I'm excited and scared about this new position. I know I'll get along just fine but those first day butterflies are swooping around in my stomach, even with everything that's happened today.

I love to sing. I love music, all types. I grew up on Gospel and Country, they are my first loves. No matter the emotion, I have a music type to fit it. Right now, there's this old Gospel song that seems fitting for everything that's happened today:

We cannot see in the future

We cannot see through dark clouds

We cannot see every pitfall

But we can march on by Faith each day.

On Monday, march on!

On Tuesday, march on!

Let Jesus be your guide.

He's able to carry the load

He can see way down the road

March on by Faith each day.

There's nothing I can do to help 'dem Boys win this season. The only thing I can do for Jeremiah and his mom is pray. There's nothing I can do help Aunt Mary because I can't stop time and its treacherous treatment of the human body. And the only thing I can do with this new team and boss is go in everyday working as hard as I can and doing the job as unto the Lord.

Everything else is in God's hands. He can see further down life's road than I can anyway.

The Demise of A Civil Society

Are there no more polite Americans?

Have we become a nation of Jerry Springer audience members?

When did we become so rude? I know how hard it is on a fat person in America. I'm still surprised how nasty John and Joan Q. Public can be to fat people, and (un)fortunately (depending on your view) so do Health Care Reform town hall attendees. It is amazing, ludicrous, disappointing, mind-blowing and completely distasteful how Americans are behaving at these town halls! One guy gets a piece of his finger bitten off, an official is booed off the stage, freaks in Phoenix (oh joy, something else to add to my "I'm not proud to be a Phoenician" walk of shame) praying for President Obama to die and go to hell, and just today CNN reports a woman in a wheelchair is heckled.

What the heck?

It used to be you could expect to find hecklers at comedy shows or sports games. Or, you could safely heckle anonymously on the Internet. With the recent decision by Blogger to release identities of bloggers, even that's come under fire. "Let us heckle in private!" the public roars. "We have the right to our opinion be it nasty or nice. And we can do it anonymously!" Or, if you're FoxNews, you can heckle 24 hours a day.

Remember when "shock jocks" could cause stirs because of their controversial comments? Now we have shock jocks appearing everywhere! When is it going to end? When someone is beaten to death because s/he voiced their dissenting comments at a town hall?

Given our rate of uncivilized public behaviours, I can see these scenarios in the very near future:

-college professor is heckled during class by students who don't agree w/his manner of teaching, or his selection of textbooks

-pastor or priest is heckled during church services because of their teachings/beliefs

-hecklers disrupt courtrooms due to the judge's rulings

I'm not naive. I know that hecklers have been here since Henry James began his career as an author. It's just that lately it seems to have gotten out of hand. Every time I turn on the TV there's coverage of some street brawl. How soon before we read about these brawls and they become permanent fixtures?

Shaking my head.

This & That Thursday #3

A short summer storm rolled in tonight, and just as quickly rolled out. A short rainfall, maybe six minutes, is all we received. That's just enough water to moisten the dirt on your car and settle any loose remaining dust.

As I was leaving work, I noticed the spectacular lightning show in the East Valley. By the time I got home we were in one of those slow moving dust storms. If there's a choice between which type of dust storm to be in, this is the best kind. These types of dust storms turn everything foggy and the sky takes on an eerie burnt orange glow illuminated by the city's bright lights struggling to shine through the thick haze of dust. The wind doesn't blow hard or strong enough to blow the dust, so it just swirls around irritating your sinuses and eyes if you're out in it.

Being in a dust storm is the equivalent of being in fog, only a dust storm generally moves at a rapid pace while fog just lays there, dangerously paralyzing highways and street traffic. I can count on one hand the times I've been stuck in fog in Phoenix. Each time I found them enchanting but that's because the sun had burnt it up within a few hours.

My family and I are going out of town for a few days. This has been a year full of travel for me. I don't remember this much traveling in a very long time. It's just that everything, and everybody is in another state so we have to leave if we want to see everyone.

My aunts are doing miraculously well, thank the Lord! Of course, this will require new responsibilities to my family to provide care to them as they may never fully recover. I just hope I can help out whenever and however I can.

I think this is all on my mind tonight. I'm wiped out. Two long work weeks and staying up 'til 2a last night w/BFF has caught up w/me and I'm gonna turn in early. That pic is of my two nieces and brother in Vegas' Chinatown.

A Fond Memory

When I was in grade school I loved to read. Anything my chubby brown hands could get a hold of to read, I'd read. Because of my high reading and language scores I was selected to help out in the library sorting books, tidying up the place and helping the other students check out books. The librarian (I never thought I'd forget her name) was very kind to me. I don't know if it was because I was painfully shy or if because she could pretty much give me limited supervision and the chores would get done w/o a lot of follow up on her part.

I remember her as being a tall, slim, model-like blonde who was always stylish in dress and had perfect hair. She and the music teacher (never thought I'd forget his name either. See what age and time does to you?) were good friends and often took their lunches together in her office located in the back of the library.

The music teacher was an attractive, soft=spoken black man who always wore neckties and jackets, even during music class. I thought he was one of the handsomest men I'd ever seen and because he was a writer and musician, and single, he should meet my single aunt and marry her. When I told my mother my ideas of matchmaking Minnie to the music teacher, I remember her thinking that was one of the funniest things I had ever told her. My aunt Minnie shared Momma's view but she was a lot nicer in bursting my bubble than Momma.

At the end of the school year I was tasked with helping the librarian take inventory of every book in the library. The school was to receive a new set of Encyclopedia Britannica and the old set discarded. When the librarian (why can't I remember her name?) asked if I'd like to have the old set of encyclopedias I was elated!

I don't know exactly how the books made it to the house but I remember my parents let me store them, all in a row, on a rickety wooden bookshelf that sat prominently in our living room for everyone to see. And you know what? My sister and I tried to read every one of those books! A lifetime before the Internet where we can Google or Yahoo or Bing every concept known to man, my family had a set of encyclopedias and we were proud to have them!

I would spend hours reading through those books, learning about everything from astronomy to zoology, Presidents of the U.S., the Civil War, and everything in between.

Last week while looking for papers, I found two of those encyclopedias. I had managed to keep them somehow, all these years. I've sat them aside and may glance through them just to compare the listings to today's language and verbiage. Maybe I'll do it on a rainy day or maybe I'll read them to Butterfly. I don't know why I'm saving them, all that info is a mouse click away.

Maybe I'm saving them to remember how special I felt lining them up on that rickety bookshelf, or how we had to take special care to dust them and not damage them. Whatever the reason, they're right over there, another fond memory of days gone.