A Blue State of Mind

"The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams." Oprah

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Location: The Western U.S, United States

I spent 48 years caring about what people thought of me. I'm not spending the rest of my life caring about that anymore!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Divorce Hurts Everyone

My younger brother and his wife of nine years are finally calling it quits.

We've seen it coming for several months. Witnessed the aftermath of the physical escalations. Had to answer the early morning "come get your brother before I kill him" phone calls. Listened to the anguish from both sides. But more painfully, watched how the children are being affected by the warring episodes.

I'm upset about the divorce because I truly love my sister in law. She's patient, intelligent, a great planner. But thankfully she knows the fights and battles are etching painful memories into her children's fragile psyches that can negatively impact their abilities to resolve conflicts, build relationships etc.

She plans to take the kids and move in w/her parents until everything's settled, then eventually back to Wisconsin. My brother will probably move back into our already cramped home until he's able to resettle.

I know all the numbers about marriages in this country and with this divorce, if nothing changes, each of my brothers and sisters will be divorced.

My brother will see the kids each weekend or during the week if he needs to. I used to keep them twice a week but now I won't see them at all unless they spend the night here with their father. When they leave for Wisconsin I'll see them during summer vacations.

If she remarries will they guy love and take care of the children or will he abuse them? Same thing if my brother remarries. Who will take care of them?

Divorce affects not only the couple but the children who will have to endure one of the worst changes in their lives, the grandparents, aunts and uncles who now have to 'reserve' time to see the kids, the lawyers and judges who have to decide who gets custody.

I'm looking at all the toys packed in the corner of the living room and wonder what we should do when the kids leave the state. Shall we ship them to Wisconsin or donate them? Maybe we'll distribute to the other neighbourhood kids,

Divorce hurts. Sucks. But I'd rather have them apart than locked up for domestic violence or worse. "Only God knows the pain that you feel. He sees and He knows because He's always there." I can only leave it in the hands of the Lord.


Blogger Jeni said...

Oh my! You are soooo right about the affect divorce has on a family and not just the children involved. It does impact on all within the family unit.

My older daughter is in the midst of a divorce and they have one child -age 9 - caught in the center. To their credit, they are sharing custody, trying very hard to keep life as normal as possible for the boy, but it is difficult. Those of us on my daughter's side of the family find our time with this boy, the sweetest little big an ever, more limited now because of the situation and time elements and it hurts us as we feel cheated out of some extra potential time with him. But, it also hurts him because his time is cut back to for him to know his extended family on this side any better.

I know life, in general, is not fair but most frequently the ones who get hurt the most by a divorce are the children -and in more ways that can be counted too. But, on the other hand, better this than the risk of other issues that could develop if the couple were to stay together too.

It's just hard, very hard on everyone concerned. I will keep you and your family members in thoughts and prayers that they find ways to work this out with the least amount of damage possible to each person who is part of the family unit. Keep your faith intact and make sure to keep the faith of the children within those people surrounding them strong and binding.

January 10, 2007 6:59 AM  
Blogger Debo Blue said...

Jeni: Thanks and I will call your family's name when I pray.

January 10, 2007 5:30 PM  
Blogger Blu Jewel said...

The effects of divorce is so crazy and it's not in the best interest of the children when the situation is that volitile. Even though it hurts like hell now, it's best to get out before even more harm and damage is done.

In addition, parents who stay together for the sake of the children is equally damaging as it sets a false sense of security for the children. I think parents in that situation need to seek couples and then family counseling or end the marriage because children are very intuitive.

This is a great post and I wil pray for your family.

January 10, 2007 7:47 PM  
Blogger Debo Blue said...

Thanks, Blu

January 10, 2007 9:29 PM  

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