THIRTEEN THINGS I'D DO IF I WON THE $240M LOTTERY

You ever hear people, after they've won or inherited large sums of money say, "Money will NEVER change me!"? Well, I know thirteen things that will change if I won all this money. Hey, it's my dream, leave me alone:-)

1. Money will change my zip code. Just like the Jeffersons, I'm gonna move on up to a deluxe house over in Mar-Lago, right next to Donald Trump and his rich friends. And for winter trips, I'll use that multi-room single level cabin on my 2k acreage in Wyoming.

2. Money will change my phone number. My home number. My cell. My Blackberry. My fax number. Every number to reach me because I don't want to hear from my broke-tailed family calling me trying to make a connection now. Can't call or come by today? Don't call and come by when I'm rich!

3. Money will change my dress size. Just like Rosie did for Oprah, I'm going to find a personal live in chef to make my meals. Heck, I may even hire someone to FEED me. Everything good to eat and beneficial will be ready at every meal. Then, I'll hire a personal trainer to motivate and show me how to exercise the right way.

4. Money will change my license plate. Yep. I know all about global warming, but after cashing that check I'm buying the biggest, bluest Chevy Yukon. It will have Bose speakers, DVD screens on each back seat, GPS, Bluetooth, toothpaste, anything I think I'll need. My license plate will read HESA1DA which interpreted is He's a Wonder. Church folks know all about this old song.

5. Money will change my charitable contributions. Currently I contribute through my job, and I pay tithes, 10% of my income. A windfall will allow me to help smaller churches, the UNCF, Historically Black Colleges, AIDs research, and education.

6. Money will change my travel destinations. Yes, yes y'all I'm traveling the QE2, roundtrip. Dubai in the Spring. New York for the Christmas tree lighting and New Years in Switzerland.

7. Money will change the amount I can contribute to trading stocks and bonds etc. I'm currently in an investment club and we contribue $25 monthly. When I get my money, I'll be living off interest and lunching with Warren Buffett.

8. Money will change my skin type. Canyon Ranch, here I come! I'll have so many skin treatments my skin will look like a black velvet glove, it wil be so soft. No more pores so large you can hide coins. My skin will be taunt and glowing (this includes any plastic surgery deemed necessary).

9. Money will change the plastic in my wallet. I'll have the American Express Titanium card, the Starwoods card, and the American Express Red card which will contribute aid to Africa with every purchase made on the card. See? By spending lavishly, I'll be helping someone else. Who knew?

10. Money will change my mother's healthcare. No more quibbling about insurance approval for tests, no more being denied some health plan because she's a property owner. Our doctor will still do house calls, why you playin!

11. Money will certainly change my datebook. To the left, to the left all you suckers who ever farted and walked all over me. I'm gonna have notices of my new found wealth personally delivered in a singing telegram. Included will be a picture of my big fat a$$ with puckered lips that they can strategically paste anywhere on the picture.

12. Money will change my niece's and nephews' educational well being. Not just private school, 'cause I know private school can mess up a kid, but tutoring and exposure to things they'd never get in public school.

13. Money will change my daydreams because instead of daydreaming about what to do w/money, I'll actually have money and will be able to attend any football game, in style. I may even get a chance to sit in Jerry Jones' personal box. Like the late Godfather said, may he soon get buried (come on people what's up?), "Money talks, bullsh-- walks." Move over Jerry. You must not know 'bout me.