A Blue State of Mind

"The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams." Oprah

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Location: The Western U.S, United States

I spent 48 years caring about what people thought of me. I'm not spending the rest of my life caring about that anymore!

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Self Centered

It doesn't take much to make me happy. I think. I'm pretty much laid back, an introvert trapped in an extrovert's mouth and body, wanting to be the proverbial wallflower but losing the fight most times.

I spend a lot of time thinking about me. How I'm feeling, how recent events impact me via my family, my direct reports, my neighbours, my country, my Christian beliefs. If there's an angle on how something impacts me, I'll find it.

Maybe it's because I've never had children. Although I've helped care for children I've never had to make those life-impacting decisions parents or guardians have to make for children.

There are a myriad excuses why I tend to be self-centered but the one excuse that keeps coming to mind is Self-Protection. The war against obesity continues to grow and every self proclaimed Soldier in the fight against the obese and obesity is beginning to get on my last nerve.

Headlines scream about fat passengers taking up two airplane seats and sucking up all the air. Insurance companies complain about skyrocketing costs of caring for the obese. News entertainers scream about how unfair it is that President Obama has nominated an obese woman as Surgeon General. How, they ask, is she able to lead the war against obesity when she herself smells like freshly fried chicken wings and hot sauce?

I am an unhealthy woman. I know that. Every time I wheeze after walking to and from my car. Each day that I sweat in cheaply made, bulletproof polyester outfits because I can't find my size in Macy's, Dillard's or any other mall store. Each glare or giggle from people in said mall stores, or restaurants, or grocery stores keep it at the forefront of my mind that I'm different.

So, as a defense mechanism, the wallflower develops a mouthy, "look, don't mess w/me and you'll have a great day" demeanor. That quiet, introvert becomes a drill sargeant who will ask if you'd like a picture rather than continuing to stare. It's becoming harder and harder to live out here but no one ever fainted because of difficult times. It makes us stronger right?

So I find the best of the cheap clothes that fit, get my toes done, have my makeup just right and walk out everyday into all the giggles and stares and overt hostility and I do what I have to do.

I'm not conceited, but I am self centered. I'm trying to get from day to day without you crippling me and if that means making me the most important person in my life, I'm gonna do just that.


Blogger Keith said...


You're back ;-)

You are who God made you to be. Get a bumber sticker for your car that states "mean people suck!"

There will always be cruel folks in this world. I would encourage you to be kind to those who persecute you. It will make you feel better.

You are beautiful. No go out and be YOU! Be who God made you to be and it will all be okay.

Great to hear from you.


August 02, 2009 7:13 AM  
Blogger Jeni said...

I agree with the premise Keith puts forth here although I also recognize the fact that doing that is often easier said than done too. Growing up, I had some features that often gave rise to other kids calling attention to them and making fun then based on those things. My Mom would always say "turn the other cheek" or to ignore them and yes, no matter how hard one tries at times, walking away is a rough road to take. I still have some of those issues -some still visible, some still tucked away, deep inside and working on them, trying to accept myself for the person inside, unseen, as opposed to the person others see is still a tough nut to crack even after trying to do that for nearly 60 years now.
And I do agree with your take on the clothes thing too -everything in the fashion industry seems to be geared completely for those who don't have an ounce of body fat on them, doesn't it? What really irks me is that back when I did wear somewhat smaller sizes and I would shop -always check the clearance and/or sale racks first ya know -the only sizes that were left then were sizes much larger than what I needed. Today, when I am definitely in the "Women's" or "Plus" size grouping, what sizes are left on the sale racks? Yeah, only those that fit the teeny, tiny, a good wind would blow them away, sizes! And, for that matter, even if I venture over to the racks of the non-sale items, my size always seems to be missing!
As always, seeing a post again from you does a body good, ya know. I do miss your regular messages as you generally sally forth with with good, strong level-headed theories about life in general so don't be a stranger here.

August 02, 2009 8:09 AM  
Blogger Dave said...

I knew I shouldn't take you off the RSS thing.

I'm thinking kindness kills, even when it isn't directed at you.

August 02, 2009 2:20 PM  
Blogger Debo Blue said...

I tried to sneak back in. What's this RSS thing?

Hey Keith, I haven't been by your site thanks for looking in on me. Hope u and the Mrs are well.

Jeni and I are email buddies so we've kept in touch.

Hey Dave!

August 02, 2009 3:42 PM  
Blogger Dave said...

Actually, I think it's Google Reader, it has you, Jeni, Keith, Doc and others. You publish, I see.

August 02, 2009 4:37 PM  
Blogger dr sardonicus said...

I'm just glad to see you back posting. I'm hardly in a position to criticize anybody about their weight.

August 02, 2009 6:56 PM  

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