A Blue State of Mind

"The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams." Oprah

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Location: The Western U.S, United States

I spent 48 years caring about what people thought of me. I'm not spending the rest of my life caring about that anymore!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

In EVERYTHING Give Thanks!

"I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make a boast of the Lord. The humble shall hear thereof and be glad. One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after: to behold the beauty of the Lord and to dwell in his temple all the days of my life."

I was going to begin this long awaited post with the old familiar "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" but then I remembered that I'm declaring victory over cowardice and wondering about what could have been.

This has been one of the most interesting, exhilarating times of my adult life. In January of this year I promised the Lord that "I wasn't going to be no punk!" I should have known He was going to try and test my resolve because in January I had to work under one of the hardest, confused and impatient leader in my entire work career. My peers and I tried all we could to get along w/this brother and work in peaceful coexistence but he was hell-bent on running us like an extended branch of the military w/him being Big Chief and us being little scouts who would receive and complete orders w/o challenge.

I did everything to help this brother assimilate into our very strong culture but he demonstrated he didn't value my opinion and didn't think highly of me as a minority woman who had survived in this culture for more than 19 years. At one point, during a 1:1, he brought up a topic that I had warned him to steer clear of and he replied in exasperation, "You tell me alot of things, I don't know which to listen to!" Well, Brother, I bet now you wish you would have listened don't you?

In case you didn't catch it, he left the company two months ago. At first I felt sorry for the brother because he had just bought a home, had all his stuff shipped down and was settling in for a long winter's nap. After he left, they asked ME to step in and handle some of his duties! Me! The fat mouse with the yellow streak down her back! That his peers would think so highly of me to recommend me to this position was very nice indeed! Of course, I should have known God wasn't through w/me.

Some of my peers, especially those I was closest to showed their butt almost every day. Being demanding, not meeting deadlines, calling me power-hungry, ignoring my pleas to help keep our dept going while a new boss was found. Now, these people knew that I didn't go out soliciting for this position, and they also knew that this was just a temporary position. But they still acted like FOOLS. I would have attributed it to them having to report to a Black leader but the two leaders before me were Black, AND... wait for it...one of those acting so stoopid is Black!!!!

So now we have our new boss but I'm still pissed at those losers for treating me like they did. I know, I need to forgive and forget and I will but just for the next few months I have to not speak to them unless it's business-related and pretty much count our friendship over and done.

So, after this, I gathered enough nerve to apply for three positions. Each of them promotions. I had two interviews and never heard from one but I was declined for each. My new leader says he'll help but I remain of the belief that no one's going to help you get a job but you. I hope I can count on him to support my moves. We'll see.

Remember when I started about thinking how things could have been? Well, I think of all the opportunities I've squandered during my life, just because I was too scared to try something. I always thought my weight would keep me from the top jobs so I didn't apply for them, watching the younger, skinnier, more aggressive people now sit as VPs and Directors of the company. If I had been braver, where would I be right now? How high could I have been? Would I have remained w/the Company? Would I even be working? Would I be living in another state? Who knows? This 'would've, could've, should've' can wear a person out so I can't entertain it for too long because then I start thinking I was the one that controlled my destiny when I know the Lord had a large part.

Now, I'm afraid that I've waited too late. I just had another birthday and being in the mid forties doesn't promise many more promotions unless I was already in that position or on a trajectory course headed for the top.

So, in EVERYTHING give thanks because this is the will of God, Christ Jesus concerning me. Whereever I'm supposed to be, God knows. He is the Lamp unto my feet and the Light unto my path (He's the Word, you know). I'm still applying for jobs because I'm drained in the current one.

It's hard leading people who don't want anything except to collect that paycheck on the first and fifteenth. People that I work with don't have the desire to do the right things. They find it difficult to come to work and WORK. Some of them think the workplace is their personal meeting place and oh by the way, I'll answer some calls every now and then. Anyone in a call center knows just the employee I'm talking about because they probably left your company to come and harrass me at my job.

One of the frustrations while I was leading my peers was knowing they were not passionate about their jobs. They weren't engaged, energized or even awake some of the times. Too many times they called out sick, used emergency vacation time, left work early after coming in late. What's up w/that? So now I'm trying to lead this bunch of burnout bummers while leading my team of stagnant water lillies. With my hand to God, I was glad to give that position up! When the new man was announced I took six days vacation just to try and detoxify myself.

And how was your day?


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