A Blue State of Mind

"The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams." Oprah

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Location: The Western U.S, United States

I spent 48 years caring about what people thought of me. I'm not spending the rest of my life caring about that anymore!

Monday, April 24, 2006

The Cowardly Lion & Other Mixed Up Thoughts

Have you ever wondered what was really wrong w/the lion from "The Wizard of Oz"? Absolutely nothing! There he is, minding his own business, trying to live life the way he wants but no! Society told him he had to be mean, tough, dangerous, fierce, brutal, a murderer of the weak and ruler of the jungle. All this lion wanted to do was live, breathe, run through fields of grass and enjoy himself. Sometimes I feel just like that poor lion.

Here I am just trying to do what I want to do (according to the Bible and its statutes) and along comes society to tell me that I should be fierce, brutal, angry, sassy, an eye-rolling, neck snapping sista w/an attitude. I'm not going to be that stereotype. I just REFUSE!! It's okay that I don't know the latest hip-hop rapper. That I prefer classical and gospel music rather than jazz. That I'd rather spend a Saturday night at the opera or symphony than chugging 40s and finding roughnecks to buy my next drink. I'm not going to hide the fact that I like shopping, but only if I can use cash rather than my credit card. I'm going to find bargains and not keep up w/the newest, latest, gotta-have-this fake Dooney, Coach, Louie bag. I'll buy my real Coach and real Dooney when I can save the money. Oh yeah, the bag's gonna also be leather, none of this new junk made out of canvas like the Louies. All cowhide, baby!
At my job I meet new people everyday, and I work moderately hard to make a good impression, or as good an impression you can when you're 400 lbs. I'm clean, smell good and I'm usually wearing a big smile 'cause I'm doing all right. And you know the most consistent comment I get when people meet me? You guessed it: "Wow! I bet she's mean! I know she don't take no stuff! I bet she puts people in their place!" Nothing about my intelligence, my well put together wardrobe, my smile, nothing. Just the typical black sista w/the attitude.
Somewhere along the line I got tired of trying to change perception because it meant lots of people left me alone and asked the stupid, repetitive questions to their peers. This left me a lot of time to get things done and released me from having to babysit newcomers to the life of a call center employee. And, when I would need something from someone, I didn't get all the crap of 'didn't get your msg' 'sorry, I forgot' etc. And yeah, I'll admit that I would help the perception along by sufficiently growling and making roaring noises (remember the lion when he first met Dorothy and Toto?) to avoid being asked to help on certain undesirable projects.
The real story of course, is that I'm a big scaredy cat. But, like the Winans sang, "It's time to make a change!" And it's my time. Right now. And it's scarying the daylights out of me. I'm trying to be approved for weight-loss surgery (WLS) and this is involving lots of scary new things. Meeting doctors, losing weight, changing my whole perception of food and eating. I'm applying for promotions. This certainly has caused my blood pressure to remain high. I'm no longer listening to that little voice that tells me to stay in my place because no one will hire a big girl like me. Now I'm applying and asking the Lord to bless me w/the job if I will be successful.
In January I told the Lord I wasn't going to be so scared all the time and I guess He's gonna see if I'm serious because I've had to face some frightening things in these four short months. If anyone had told me last October I would be going to the gym alone, that I'd be 32 lbs lighter, that I'd actually like walking, that I'd be applying for jobs, I would have just smiled at them and quickly dismissed it as propecy from the wrong prophet given to the wrong person.
Life is so funny and weird sometimes. All you have to do is make one step and God's there to help you make two more. Just one step and He'll help you do the rest. My faith is built on nothing less than Jesus' love and righteousness. I dare not trust a simple frame, but I'll lean wholly on His name. On Christ the Solid Rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand! All other ground is sinking sand.


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